The reality.

Looking back to that day, I see how brave I was. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to say goodbye to all that you knew and loved. 

But I also see the trauma high I was feeling in that moment. 

Sure, I can have self-awareness, but that doesn’t take away from the immense heartache of it all. 

I felt good because it was a release of pent-up pain that I had been shoving down for years. What I didn’t expect was that, following those initial days, a release of hurt would come pouring out of my eyeballs and stabbing at my heart at such intensity that I would question my entire existence. 

Which isn’t new for me. 

I’ve questioned life many times. 
Mostly in a curious, self-reflective way. 
But sometimes through a dark and cumbersome fear. 

This was the latter. 

I mean, it only makes sense. 

You spend over a decade with a person. 
Build a house. 
Have a wedding. 
Start a family. 
Work years toward mutual dreams. 

Then BAM. 
Gone, in an instant. 
Heartbreak central.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see it coming. That I hadn’t felt this impending loss looming in the distance. My intuition had been trying to steer me away for years. But I ignored it. Because leaving didn’t support the downgraded reality that my ego convinced me was safer. I was comfy cozy living with less. 

Until I finally wasn’t.

I vividly remember the moments I prayed over this. 
“Anything but this, God.”
“Please show me another way.”
“This can’t be it.”
”I refuse to listen.”
“Fuck you for putting me here.” 

Those prayers eventually turned to:
“I just want to be happy.” 
“There’s got to be more than this.” 
“Please show me the truth.” 
“I will do whatever it takes.” 
“I trust you.” 

Blind obedience to an unhealthy dynamic turned into blind faith in the universe. And that’s when it all progressed. 

I had been praying for MONTHS for clarity, and once I surrendered the fight against my own life, God finally said “okay, here.” Revelations incoming. 

What was it that Rafiki said to Simba in The Lion King? 
Oh right.

“It is time.” 

Well… clearly. 

Once I chose myself, God chose truth. 
And that truth fucking hurt. 
But it set me free.