Day One.

Welcome to the moment my entire life has changed.

It is five in the morning. I’ve now been awake for over three hours because it was three hours ago that I received information that changed the trajectory of my future. My life will never be the same moving forward.

The information that I found out should have ruined me. I should be broken into pieces right now. Because the information I found out was that my partner of 11 years has been cheating on me with another woman who didn’t even know I existed. And in a short few hours when he wakes up, I will officially be a single mom.

THIS SHOULD RUIN ME! 
But oddly, I have peace.

K wait, what?
I. Have. Peace.
And confidence?
This is wild.

In these short three hours, my faith has strengthened more than I was ever expecting. It’s got me in a chokehold of trust. That’s probably where the peace comes from. I have just been faced with the biggest unknowns of my entire life. I have no choice but to completely surrender. It honestly feels like I’m grabbing God’s hand and saying “okay dude, lead the way.”

I feel good, and it’s weird. Because this whole situation is not good. I mean from a higher perspective, it’s leading me to where I actually deserve to be.

But it ain’t good.

Hence why I said it should have destroyed me. I should be a fucking mess right now.
I should.

I wanted to document this not only because my life completely shifts moving forward but because I am honestly a little bit shocked that I could experience something so devastatingly life-changing and feel calm. This is how I know that what I’m experiencing is for my greatest good despite everything that comes with it. This is how I know this is God’s plan. I’ve just found myself over the last three hours consistently thanking God. Thanking him for truth coming to light. Thanking him for putting me in this situation, which for the record, nobody wants to experience. Trust me when I say no one wants this.

But I’m in it.
And I’m in it for a greater purpose.
At least I hope so.

But the gratitude washes over me in the midst of devastation because honestly… who ACTUALLY gets mistreated and says, “yup… I like it here.” 

Maybe there are people out there who feel like they don’t have any other choice. Actually, I am positive there are. But I am not one of them. 

I read somewhere that if a woman chooses to leave and doesn’t show emotion, that is how you know she is done. I am done. Because it wasn’t just a cheating partner that I stumbled onto. It was years of unresolved issues and self abandonment. The cheating was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

This situation is showing me how all the healing work that I have done over the last few years was worth it. In fact, it feels as if I was sent down that path of inner refinement for this exact moment. 

My strength, my resilience, my ability to alchemize, my higher perspective, my faith in God, my worthiness, my willingness to let go.

All of that was tested, pushed, pinched, stretched, molded and magnified over these last five years. I’ve damn near mastered the art. Although part of me feels as if this year will really put them to the test. 

But it doesn’t matter, because here I am. 
Dumpster fire, and chillin’.